I recently had to make a decision that I was worried would have a terrible outcome. There was so much guilt wrapped around my choice because letting people down is one of my biggest fears. I have always done my best to not disappoint people...usually at the expense of my own health. So when the time came, I took a deep breath, did what I had to do, and amazingly enough, my world didn't explode. Life continued, and dare I say, life is better.
This article in The Cut really clicked with me the other day. "Live with less ambition" is a concept that I didn't think was allowed for a long time. In school, we are constantly told to try harder, be better, do anything and everything to add to your college applications because that's what the best schools are looking for.
Why do we want to get into the best schools?
Because it looks great on resumes?
What exactly defines the "best" career?
More hours at work means more money, so we work all hours of the day?
What exactly defines success?
But the real question is: What exactly defines success for me?
I don't have the same goals as my friends, my peers, my family, my neighbors, or even my coworkers - nor should I. Don't get me wrong: I have amazing peers that are doing incredible things in life and I am their biggest cheerleader. Some people strive in the hustle and bustle of life, so for a very, very long time, I thought I was supposed to be like that too. Working all hours of the day to look somewhat "successful". In my mind, success was measured in material things because that's what other people could see. It took a years to finally be honest enough with myself to admit that this type of thinking was not for me. These were not my real goals in life.
This is still a work in progress. Just because I can acknowledge this now does not mean I might not slip back into old habits. Every so often, I re-read old blog posts about future goals and wish I could go back to tell myself to take it easy.
Self love is a practice that has come late in my life, but I am determined to make it a priority. My babies depend on it. My life depends on it. I want to know that I am living the life I want to live, not the one I think is expected of me.
Monstera Dress via Redbubble | Moon & Madison white cardigan (old)